My Reflections by Tina Free, Counsellor

I feel something happens at a funeral that is important to our inner peace.

We all have attachments to people both close and far. We share love and connection with those whose lives we are closely aware of and people whose lives intersect with ours in some way.

When somebody we know dies, in today’s culture, we have a choice. Do we have a funeral or not.

That choice may be shaped by the wishes of the person who has died, those closest to them, culture, circumstances, money or what feels bearable.

Grief from the edges

When a person I know and love dies, the reality and shock enter my system, my body feels it, my heart hurts, my thinking is crowded and not focused.

The days start to pass, and I feel that I am in a strange waiting place. There is a need to know when the funeral will take place. The experience is more intense, when I am close to the person who has died, and it is also present when I am on the edges of the person’s life and they on the edges part of mine.

I become aware of the other people whose lives interact with the person who has died, I feel love, care and sadness for and with them.

And we wait for the funeral. I am traveling through the days, but the day of the Funeral is held in my mind, and it holds me in the space that is now.

Twice in my life recently the choice has been made not to have a funeral.

Not a choice made by me, but a choice made by the people central to the person who’s died.

I wasn’t central to either person, I was on the periphery of their life and they were on the edges of mine, there were attachments formed and felt.

And yet there was a loss at both the death of the person and another loss in the lack of a funeral.

The loss felt like an empty space. Something not ended, longing and wanting not met.

What happens when we come together?

Also, sadly in my life there have been two other deaths in the last year, and I have attended those funerals.

Both of the funerals were sad. There were people that were central to the person who had died, and I was again not central but caring and loving and connected.

I observed the people at the funeral, those that were close to the person that had died and those of us that were further removed.

The arriving at the funeral was a distinct moment. We got out of the car and started to greet others that were there and receive greetings from the people that were close to the person that had died.

There was love exchanged. There was a gentleness shared.

An acknowledgement of the sorrow was held in the space.

Then we proceeded into the building and experienced the ceremony of both funerals.

The funerals were touching and insightful, moving and sad.

In both of them there was some laughter, music and words shared, genuine care for the person that had died and an acknowledgement of them as real people.

An understanding of the gap that had been created by their death was felt.

The gap was felt deeply and held within the ceremonies.

Connection after the funeral

The third aspect of the funeral was the walking out again, stopping to speak to and holding the people close to the person who had died. Then moving on to food and drinks, where connections were deepened, love and care shared, talk of the person who had died, and talk of other things.

Then the parting and the feeling that we all understood that the person who had died had had a life and that we were part of that life, they part of ours. And that our ongoing connection to the others at the funeral was important.

When there is no shared goodbye

Then there was the experience I had of the two deaths where there was no funeral.

We felt sadness and loss, but we didn’t share it with anyone.

There wasn’t a moment where we kept still together to take on the loss and experience it with each other.

We were aware of cremations happening at a distance while we carried on with our usual day. We did not change our clothes.

We didn’t have a space to offer love to those close to the ones that died, share memories or acknowledge who the person had been, both personally and communally.

Do we need a funeral?

I’m left feeling how profoundly important funerals are and I’m really very saddened by this new thought that we can have a death and no funeral.

I do understand that the funeral isn’t important to the person that’s died, but it can be important to the rest of us in living.

There is no ‘right’ way to grieve, but a funeral is a way of creating a space to stop, love,remember, share sadness and acknowledge that someone’s life has touched ours. It also strengthens the connections with friends and family, the strength we each need to step onwards into life.

Other people may find that space in a memorial, a gathering or something much more personal.

A wider question is what would help us acknowledge a death, an attachment and a loss.

What may happen to grief when there is no funeral?

Disenfranchised grief is a term for grief that is not shared, recognised or supported by others. I feel the lack of the funeral left me, and maybe others, feeling like I do not really have the space to grieve or to connect. And somehow the missing of the funeral lingers on, a wanting, a missing, a gap that I cannot close.

I think this is close to where I found myself – not only missing a funeral, but the moments where we stop in sorrow together and acknowledge that somebody had died, and that we are loving and connected.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER TO HAVE A FUNERAL:

I wrote this article to voice my unfolding experience of both going to funerals and not having a funeral to go to, and for me to reflect on where love and connection sit in relation to funerals.

This Questions section draws on thought and theory to provide some practical information around funerals and grief, in case it is useful.